Three years ago this month I was living on the Coast of Maine in the most unbelievably beautiful house in an unbelievably beautiful location.
When I opened my eyes after my first night of sleep here, it felt like electricity was pulsing through my body. I looked up at the high ceilings and clear skylights (I'd never seen skylights you could actually see the sky through) and thought, "I can't believe we get to live here."
I placed my feet on the heated stone floors and walked from the bedroom to the sliding glass doors facing the bay, opened the doors and felt the warmth of the sun and the chill of the air at once. I heard seagulls nearby and the trees rustling.
I couldn't believe I got to live here.
As the day went on into the next and the many that followed, I experienced the most profound gratitude and anguish at once. Grief and gratitude. Uncertainty and magic. Awe and anger. All of it all at once.
I was terrified the living situation would be taken from me. I literally had the thought, "What if we end up homeless in Maine?"
I'd walk to the water and play with the rocks and seashells. Mesmerized by the shades of moss, rocks and shells. I just wanted to live there, on the shore. Lying on a bed of stones, surrounded by all that is beautiful, real, pure.
My biggest fear was having it taken away by my own lack of focus, clarity...certainty.
One of my first coaches Jacquette Timmons once said, "There's no such thing as certainty, there's only clarity." This really hit me. Me, the woman who trademarked the word clarity. It's true. It's my word. And I know how to get...usually.
When your nervous system is all over the place for myriad reasons, it's hard to find.
When you're navigating a huge change, it's hard to find.
When you know you need to make a change but you can't figure out to what because your nervous system is all over the place and other changes are occurring against your will, it's really fucking hard to find.
I share this glimpse into my life and thinking for two reasons on this beautiful Friday afternoon:
- You are right on time, even if it doesn't feel like it. Whatever uncertainty alongside fear, grief, rage, gratitude and/or awe — it's a necessary stop on your journey. And it is just a stop. The uncertainty will turn into clarity soon enough. I promise. Three words that helped me through it in Maine and every day since: trust, surrender, allow. Trust. Surrender. Allow. Trust. Surrender. Allow.
- If what I've shared is resonating then I want you to find a way to come to my virtual gathering in two weeks, both days. I want you to make a way (as my beloved teacher and friend Octavia Raheem says). Your future is certain — it's ahead of you for as long as it's going to be. You can keep walking (or crawling towards it), or you can come for free and get support finding the clarity you're looking for and skip towards the future you want. If resources are abundant, make an offering.
The days leading up to leaving that beautiful house in Maine felt like shiva as best I understand it. I grieved like I'd lost someone dear to me. I wailed. Literally. I heaved and sobbed on the floor. I left there, on that floor of that beautiful house in that beautiful location some very old, tired, deeply embedded sadness, pain and confusion.
We can make our way to our next location with everything we've ever owned, but I can tell you from experience that the journey is much more enjoyable when we've packed light. How can you lighten your bags?
Four songs for these times.
Love,
Annie
p.s. I started the podcast while I was in Maine and recorded early mornings before sunrise as a way of processing my anxiety. While the episodes make me cringe these days, I know they've been a source of medicine in to me and others. Give a listen on Spotify or here on Apple
p.p.s. I'm hosting a luxurious retreat in New Mexico this summer for artists like me who are discovering they are actually artistic/creative through the unshakable yearning to create. Whether music, visual art, writing or otherwise — if you have a creative project or idea that won't leave you alone, this is for you. There are only 6 spots, so if you're interested in learning more schedule a call with me to discuss.
